Momma said there'd be days like this. She just failed to say how hard they would be.
I'm never one to publicly display my feelings or my personal issues but in keeping them inside....well you know....
Everyone knows that motherhood isn't glorious and always rewarding but isn't is supposed to be? Isn't it supposed to be the most precious of callings for women to uphold? Sure, there will be challenges, speed bumps, bickering, tattling, and all that but in my house....well that's all there is to it. And quite frankly, I'm PISSED OFF and tired!!!
Motherhood comes with no handbook. There's no rules and no troubleshooting guide and there's tons of support from other mothers who all have their own advice and their own share of problems but in my situation, I have NEVER FELT SO ALONE.
I have a great support system and great friends and family but still, no one gets it. Have you ever gone to a doctor with a concern and have them just disregard your feelings and treat you like a nut? And then you honestly feel like you really did overreact? Well that's me. But I'm not overreacting. No one gets it. They just won't. And they can't because its a situation impossible to understand.
I feel so backed against a wall. Trying to do the right thing. Trying to change EVERYTHING. Trying to insert positives to every negative thrown. Saying no. Teaching, listening, loving, forgiving, holding. No grudges. No excuses. Coping skill after coping skill. Being patient. Rearranging my life. Re-living my life. Depending on God. Thanking God. And being tested EVERY SINGLE DAY by God. I'm at a crossroads. And it's filled with fury and tears.
I take so much pride in my strength and because I've been tested so many other times in my life I'm usually good at overcoming challenges. Not this time. And it's only going to get worse. And I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic.
I'm falling into a temporary depression that is going last for this one day only. Tomorrow I will awaken, renewed and refreshed and my happy self again. I'm worried only about one thing:
How much more must one be tested before the depression moves in, takes over, and I lose myself again? I can't, and refuse to do this everyday. And I also refuse to ignore the situation.
There's got to be a lesson in here somewhere. I hope I find it soon.